WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
