I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
