My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
