This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
