my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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