sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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