he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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