we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
