It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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