I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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