I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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