Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
