He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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