You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
