We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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