My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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