he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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