dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
