We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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