Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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