Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
