the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
