there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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