The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Randomize
