Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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