So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
