She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
