Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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