No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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