I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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