dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
