Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
