i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This is my gift to your gina
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
