Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i would punch a child for taco bell
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
