my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
