Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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