I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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