Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
