we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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