what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
