I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
