i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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