I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
