brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
