Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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