so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
