I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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