Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
