We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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