I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
