woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
