too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
