he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
