Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
