Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
