trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
