i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
