I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
