I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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