Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
