lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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