Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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