When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
