I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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